The Master Cleanse (And How it Can Kill You)

Losing weight may not be easy, but there's no secret about how to do it. Ruling out an untreated metabolic disorder, you'll lose the lard if you take in fewer calories than you burn. That means less food and more exercise.

The problem is that people really like food. A lot. And it's not always fun to get off your butt or move away from his Twinkies. So, instead of promoting to oh-so-obvious notion that diet and exercise will help you lose weight, the media loves to suggest that weight loss necessarily involves fad dieting, harsh supplements and other miracle-tricks.

Since common-sense methods for losing weight are boring and hard to patent, weight loss diets have became an international insanity contest as people struggle to create the next big "miracle" plan. Among these, the so-called Master Cleanse is one of the most popular-- and dangerous.

What is the Master Cleanse?

Many alternative medicine practitioners love to talk about unspecified "toxins" that are somehow fricken everywhere and somehow responsible for your flabby abdomen, your digestive problems, your arthritis, and your erectile dysfunction (all in one). It's easy to get followers when you blame every human problem on one underlying cause.

An snake oil peddler named Stanley Burroughs started the Master Cleanse diet. He told people that a diet composed entirely of lemonade, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and harsh stimulant laxatives would "cleanse" them of the toxins responsible for... well, everything. He killed a bunch of his "patients" (he wasn't a doctor) and was even convicted of murder after prescribing lemonade and massage as a cure for cancer.

Burroughs said that his lemonade diet, or "Master Cleanse," would flush cravings for drugs, alcohol, tobacco and food out of the human body. The Master Cleanse persists today as a dangerous fad diet, particularly among young women.

Why the Master Cleanse Doesn't Work

For one thing, cravings aren't substances. Laxatives and citrus fruit won't push cravings or fat out of your body. In fact, they won't push anything out of your body besides lemonadey poop-- and the electrolytes, nutrients and fiber that your body needs for proper function.

The Master Cleanse diet might help you lose several pounds of poop and water by making you run to the bathroom every few minutes, and it might get you out of the Big-Mac-for-lunch routine. But unless you alter your lifestyle choices after using the Master Cleanse, you won't have much benefit. Except maybe a "champion pooper" award, but I don't know who's going to give it to you or why you would want it.

How it Can Kill You

The Master Cleanse isn't just a bad idea-- it can be a fatal mistake. Here's why.

Maple syrup lemonade is loaded with sugar, and the Master Cleanse diet contains no protein to buffer its absorption. In other words, you might as well be injecting sugar directly into your veins. If you're diabetic, expect to end up in the hospital after trying out the Master Cleanse diet. Then, if and when you recover from your ketoacidosis coma, examine the looks on the doctor's faces when you explain your reason for drinking nothing but lemonade for ten days.

Laxatives in the Master Cleanse diet will dehydrate you and throw your electrolytes way out of whack-- even if you're currently healthy. Dehydration is actually one of the biggest dangers associated with the Master Cleanse and similar fad diets. The laxatives will also give you stomach cramps, hemorrhoids, crap on your pants, headaches, nausea, vomiting and other scary stuff. So don't do it. Just don't.

For more effective guidelines for losing weight, talk to your physician, nutritionist, or personal trainer. Or, better yet, save your money and follow common-sense diet advice. Eat more fruits and veggies. Limit your intake of fat, especially saturated fat and trans fat. Avoid sugary soft drinks and candies. Eat whole grains instead of refined flour. The results will be safer, healthier and longer-lasting than anything offered by the Master Cleanse.